Skip to main content

A Reminder for Myself

I love to write because it is a way of getting the hurricane of thoughts in my head out. I think and think, and then think some more, but all this thinking never leads to a solution, usually just more confusion. I’ve concluded that I do this because I don’t want to project my feelings onto other people, and I don’t like feeling vulnerable: two very selfish things. I’ve also been hurt. And not the kind of hurt that goes away with a good workout and a fun girls night. The kind of hurt that literally breaks your heart; I’ve had days where I was ok with not doing a single thing ever again. 

I spent the majority of 2018 learning to love myself, and loving being alone with my thoughts. I came to a point where I was comfortable with being vulnerable enough to really like someone again. Only to be absolutely steamrolled. What’s new?

Fear of loving has a way of creeping up on you. You can spot it at first and you are hopeful enough to tell it to get lost. But then it gets sneaky, and slowly but surely fear becomes your shadow. It is the worst kind of baggage because you know it’s there and you know that it’s heavy, but you don’t know how to get rid of it. The only solution to fear is love itself, but when you are afraid of love, that becomes an obvious problem. 

It’s like wanting ice cream but knowing that you’re so lactose intolerant it will kill you. Pretty sucky right?

So then you have to rely on the very being that gives you life: God. As cliche as that sounds, only He truly knows what it’s like. I’ve had very candid conversations with Heavenly Father, asking and pleading with Him not to let me be hurt. Time and time again, a single phrase comes to mind: “thank you for cutting me down, and loving me enough to hurt me.” 

If you’re never broken, you can’t be fixed; and the best mending is done by the hands that were nailed to a cross for you. As scary as everything is, we are in hands that will never let us go.

So when the hurricane starts to blow, I remember that I am responsible for creating part of the storm, a part that I can give to Heavenly Father and let him calm. The other part is for me to weather with faith and learn from. 

So next time life is unfair or mean or painful, quietly say, “thank you for cutting me down, and loving me enough to hurt me.” I promise you that if you listen, you’ll be able to hear a tender voice whisper back, “I am here, just be patient, you’ll blossom soon enough.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life Changes, and I Wouldn't Change It for the World.

Here we go.... So many of you know that I was engaged at the beginning of the year. We planned on getting married in the summer, and I thought that my "happily ever after" was beginning. However, after only about a week of being engaged, I felt that something was seriously wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was because I was so young? Maybe it was because things happened quickly? Maybe it was because I had never pictured myself getting married this soon? But none of these questions seemed to fit the unease that I had in my heart. I went to the temple seeking answers, I prayed constantly (not an over-exaggeration lol), and I talked with my church leaders and close family members about it. Yet I was still lost. I was emotionally drained, I couldn't focus in school, and I wanted to disappear. One day I was so lost that I skipped all my classes and drove home for the weekend without telling anyone. I felt physically sick at this point, and I knew that I n...
Post a Comment
Read more

6 Things I Learned in the Last 6 Months

Yes, I'm laughing at myself for writing this because it makes me feel all wise and important when in reality, I'm a 19-year-old-girl who still doesn't know how to make rice on the stovetop. BUT I think I have had my fair share of life-changing experiences recently, and I thought I would share what I have learned. Maybe you'll laugh at it, or maybe you'll learn a little something. 1. Thank Heavenly Father for the "no's." So this was the suckiest one to learn. As people we pray for a ton of things: rain, financial success, safety, help, educational inspiration; but we usually expect a direct answer or for Heavenly Father to be a fairy godmother and grant all of our wishes AND give us a makeover. NEWSFLASH: life doesn't work that way. I have learned the most important lessons in my life in the WAITING not in the recieving of blessings.  2. You never feel bad after serving someone.  I am a thinker. AKA when I'm bored I think about a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Small and Simple Things

This semester in school I took a class about the Book of Mormon, the keystone scripture of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was so amazing to learn new things about my religion and to also become closer to Christ in the process. At the beginning of the semester, each student in the class designed their own project surrounding the Book of Mormon that would span over the whole semester. For my project, I decided to write down a couple things each day that happened during that day that reminded me of God or drew me closer to Him. At the beginning of my project, I found myself looking for grand events however, I soon found myself finding Heavenly Father in the little tiny things. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is real and that he loves me, along with all of His other precious children. I have come to love the little things, and through loving the little things I have learned to cherish the big blessings. God is so close to us, and if for any reason there i...
Post a Comment
Read more